Category: Uncategorized

Posted on

Dating and false negatives

The other day, a friend said something in a discussion group that really made me think about relationships and dating and how all of this even works.

I’m not an expert on dating. But I do have a lot of friends, and I read a lot of advice columns, and so I have started noticing a pattern.

Some people think that if they go on one date and it’s mediocre (not Bad, just Mediocre), if they’re not Feeling It ™️, then it’s not worth going on a second date with that person.

So.

While it’s fine for someone to adopt this strategy, it’s important to realize that it’s not going to give a high probability of getting together with someone for the long term. (Which is relevant if anything other than one-night stands is your goal! No shame at all to the ONS people, but you’re not my target audience here.)

Everyone has “off” days.

The dating profile is a paper-thin slice of who someone is. This is fairly well established, even though some people still insist on judging a book by its dating profile.

But even beyond that, the first date is a bologna-thin slice of who someone is. It’s still not very much data at all.

If you want to really see if someone is compatible with you, you will have to date them (not exclusively, you don’t need to be exclusive during this period, as long as you’re honest and clear) for a while. Otherwise you’re just gonna get a shit-ton of false negatives.

And sometimes, for some people, that’s what they want: some people are very risk averse, or have trauma, or similar things going on. It’s okay for them to say “I will take the false negatives in order to not put myself in danger.”

But it’s important to be aware that that is what you’re doing: piling up a bunch of false negatives in addition to the true negatives. This is an extreme strategy for extreme situations. It’s not a strategy with a good chance of success.

Posted on

I’m still planning my retirement

See, I’m happily planning for mine

I’m fairly certain the optimism/pessimism thing is about mental health, not cold hard facts? Because the future is SO uncertain in the exact degree of suckitude it’s gonna entail.

And even though I generally agree with Tolkien’s Long Defeat philosophy, that the world is getting steadily worse, I also agree with Tolkien’s point that the stuff we’ve got is pretty damn good.

And I know saying that doesn’t do shit against clinical depression, I’m not trying to cure anybody, you know? It’s just. That’s where I’m at.

I started drafting this post in October of 2023, apparently? Wow. Anyway, here it is.

I am still planning my retirement.

Hold to hope, friends.

Posted on

Traditions

Most years since I had my kid, I try to put together a Christmas/holiday card to send to people so they can see how she’s grown, etc.

I try to also include photos of myself (and, when it was relevant, my husband) because of something Hax said a while ago about “orphans on the mantelpiece” that stuck with me. (See also: “Mom stays in the picture.”)

Some years, I have the wherewithal to put sealing wax on the envelopes. This is one of those years. I’m using a gnome stamp, because garden gnomes are A Thing for me, even though they’re now tinged with sadness.

Started out with the vegan wax, but honestly I don’t think it’s very good and won’t buy any more. I don’t know what makes it vegan; none of this is beeswax.

I stamp the envelopes from the back, so I don’t know who’s getting what color wax. The first wave are all green/vegan wax; after those I switched to purple with mix-ins.

I have a third type of wax, that I got from my mom. She had it in college, and her two stamps are (I think) associated with her sorority. (I did not join it myself, though I did consider it; but it was just not my thing. I joined a different one my junior year.)  You can’t use that wax on envelopes that go through the postal system; it’s too brittle and will jam the machines. Modern wax is made differently; it’s safe for postal machines but it doesn’t give that satisfying snapping sound, or really break at all. It only seals and decorates.

I’m also listening to Christmas music. Started out with Mannheim Steamroller, which I love unironically, and then switched to the Robert Shaw Chorale. We Three Kings and Good King Wenceslas both go HARD. When my TKD teacher died, I listened to the bit about “mark my footsteps, good my page; tread thou in them boldly” and BAWLED. In a way, losing him was a preview of losing my father. Same thing when my closest uncle passed away. So because of that, and because of the general mood when it’s dark and cold, I think a lot about death this time of year.

But I also think of renewal. The dead are gone; but we remember them. My little wax sealing candle in 2024 is an echo of all the fires my ancestors have ever burned. I remember them now as others will remember me, down the long centuries. Listen!

  • The Shortest Day, Susan Cooper
  • The Turning of the Year, Herdman Hills Mangsen
Posted on

Remember: we are living our ancestors’ wildest dreams.

I really appreciated this Instagram video (weird lemon template and all):

Remember: if some kid comes over to your house and can’t eat anything because he has celiac disease…that means he SURVIVED HAVING CELIAC DISEASE.

We are living our ancestors’ wildest dreams. Our children LIVE.

And quite honestly, this post gives me the same feeling as Hope Eyrie.

Leslie Fish – Hope Eyrie https://genius.com/Leslie-fish-hope-eyrie-lyrics

We are living in the future. And despite all the bad in the world, I think the future will keep getting better.