Category: Unsolicited Advice

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Unsolicited divorce advice

Ever since my own divorce five years ago, I’ve turned into some kind of Divorce Doula for a number of friends. It’s difficult emotionally, but rewarding to be able to help them through the worst period of their lives.

The biggest thing I tell them?

“Keep Calm and Lawyer Up” image from Etsy

You need a lawyer.

That’s it. That’s the first piece of advice.

You need YOUR lawyer.

You have to have a lawyer that’s got attorney client privilege with you and will not share your questions with the other party in the divorce case.

Grey Rock

No matter what you think about Narcissism Discourse, your job now is to minimize contact and conflict with your ex partner. Don’t start fights. Don’t try to litigate disagreemens. That’s what the lawyer is for.

You might need three lawyers

If you do something like Mediation or Collaborative, you’ll still need your own lawyer to look over the outcome and make sure there’s nothing you’ve missed.

Your friends are not lawyers.

If your friend says something about the divorce or what your responsibilities are, nod and listen and ask your lawyer about it.

If your friend says “you’ll have to pay alimony forever” they’re full of shit. Ask your lawyer.

Even if your friend says something that seems plausible, they’re full of shit. Ask your lawyer.

Even if they are A lawyer, they’re not YOUR lawyer.

You need your own lawyer with a legal and ethical responsibility towards you.

Sometimes the cheapest way to pay for something is with money.

Having a lawyer is the best way to ensure that you’ve dotted all your i’s and have covered every eventuality. You don’t want an expensive surprise happening.

Keep calm.

Like the Etsy mug at the beginning says. This, too, shall pass. Like a motherfucking kidney stone. But you WILL get through it.

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You don’t need an image generator, you need your own words

A few different things crystallized into this post.

The most relevant one, though, was when someone I know temporarily lost access to his usual AI image generator and he decided to just post his image prompt to the discord instead.

And you know what? The prompt he sent was beautifully written. It might not have technically been poetry, and I suspect he would object to seeing it referred to that way, but it evoked such a beautiful image in my mind that I think it counts.

You have this power. If you are getting good at writing prompts to make the machine paint a picture for you? Start writing those prompts down. Let your reader create the image your words inspire in their own mind.

You are already a poet. Just open the door and let the words flow out.

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Gaslighting

I see a LOT of this kind of thing, but the top comment thread on this AITA post really summarized it well.

Gaslighting is when someone argues with you about objective reality. Not about their opinions.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/YWQAskNBTg

So saying “she doesn’t hate you, she just has depression/is prickly/doesn’t explain herself well” is not gaslighting. Depending on circumstances, it could still be a douchey thing to say! But it’s not gaslighting.

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A generalizable word of advice

As I told someone earlier today:

This is not an “others have walked so that you can run” kind of situation. This is more like, an “others have run straight into the electric fence, so you should strongly consider walking” kind of thing.

This can apply to many things.

Go slowly. Make careful, measured decisions.

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Reposting someone else’s thoughts on Skrmetti today

My friend shared this (itself a copy of another post), and I wanted to signal-boost it, because I think it’s important.


Skrmetti just came down and obviously it didn’t go our way, but listen to me. Listen.

I am not a parent but I have parents in my life and one thing I have learned from them is that young people will take their cue from you on how freaked out to be about things. If a young person falls down the best response is not to go “oh no oh my god you’re hurt,” because then they go “oh no oh my god I’m hurt” and it makes everything worse — the best response is to go “sick wipeout dude totally tubular” and high five them.

And the non-profit industrial complex invariably describes gender-affirming care for young people as “life-saving” because the subtext is “if trans young people can’t get puberty blockers they WILL kill themselves.”

Not having access to gender affirming care before puberty is not a death sentence BUT if we all uncritically repeat the fear that it is, the young people will take their cue from us on how freaked out to be, and they will believe that all they can do in response to Skrmetti is die.

It is really important right now that we make sure our trans young people hear other stories than that. They hear “there is a future for you” and “there is community for you” and “you don’t have to pass to be loved” and “not having access to gender affirming care before puberty IS NOT A DEATH SENTENCE.”

That we show them that we are trans adults and we almost invariably didn’t have gender affirming care before puberty and we are loved and beautiful and happy. The story of trans joy and trans beloved community NEEDS to be louder than the story of trans suicidality today.

Our kids are depending on us to tell them the story they need to hear. Don’t let your panic override that responsibility.

There is a future for you. Your Elders survived this. Yes, it will suck more this way. But: this, too, shall pass; even if it does so like a motherfucking kidney stone.

Or, for the Cosmere fans in the audience: You will be warm again.

This Blue sky post may be the source:

https://bsky.app/profile/andyeyeballs.bsky.social/post/3lrvbrowlds2z

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Can you prove you are a citizen?

Please go read this post by John Scalzi.

https://whatever.scalzi.com/2025/06/03/well-can-you-prove-youre-a-us-citizen/

Even if you think you’re not in the demographic being targeted here, you still need the ability to back up your citizenship if you are detained.

Along with calling your representative to oppose these kidnappings by masked men, you need to make sure your documents are someplace safe that a friend/ally/lawyer could access if you get picked up and accused of being from somewhere else.

There are things we cannot control, and things we can control. We can’t individually change public policy. But we can control our own behavior, and prepare for the worst case scenario.

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Reddit on the markets today

I just wanted to highlight this comment that I saw on Reddit this morning.


https://www.reddit.com/r/personalfinance/s/F8ntmtttGp

There are two things that could ultimately happen with the S&P 500.

1. It could stabilize and continue to increase over time as it’s done for the last 68 years.

2. It could crash, along with the US economy, and never recover.

It’s important to note that if #2 happens, you and I will have far more things to worry about than the value of our retirement as it indicates the total collapse of the US economy (S&P 500 represents 80% of US market cap). In that case, it wouldn’t matter if your money were in the market or in a box in the backyard, it would be similarly worthless.

So, given that there is nothing you can do to protect the value of your money in the event of #2, you might as well continue to invest believing that #1 is much more likely (cause it is).

Don’t panic. Don’t sell your stock. Hunker down and wait it out.