Tag: relationships

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Everybody wants a village, but nobody wants to put in the work

I think this is going to be a macro post, where I come back and add things as they occur to me.

This Slate column

My friend recently linked me to this, and man I got nothing. Just read it.

https://slate.com/life/2024/11/parenting-advice-friends-loneliness-village.html

These comics

I just got a Bluesky account and already the algorithm knows me.

https://bsky.app/profile/pervis.bsky.social/post/3lbqarh4u7k2p

https://bsky.app/profile/spookyforcefrancis.bsky.social/post/3lbshvyhf422b

Some thoughts

If you want people to show up for you, you have to show up for them. Modulo disability, being physically present really really matters. I can’t help my friend move but I helped her pack and purge and can store some of her stuff. I’ve babysat for friends without pay, including overnights, because that’s what friends do when they’re able. And when I was very sick last year, my people showed up for me.

I tolerate a lot of things in my life. I recognize that we can’t always build a village out of picture perfect people that we’ve cultivated like Sims, just like that columnist says. I’ve always been afraid to get close to my neighbors, because what if they’re awful? I’m stuck with them. But: maybe if we get close, they won’t be awful. Or maybe they were never awful to begin with.

For now: I’m just grateful for the friends I do have. Thank you for being with me.

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Resource: Why Does He Do That?

I just wanted to bookmark this resource for the next time it comes up in my social circle:

https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

The book “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft is a classic resource for people in dysfunctional relationships to analyze the behaviors they are seeing. It may not apply to every relationship, but it’s something worth checking on when things seem “off.”

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Long walk in, long walk out

Today on the Internet, I saw a commenter talk about how her relationship with her partner was a “long walk in, long walk out” one: i.e. that they moved slowly in building it up, and if they ever decided to break up, they committed to talking about it first and working on any problems they had.

I really like that attitude/philosophy towards relationships.

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Stop mumbling!

Whewww.

When I first started noticing that everyone around me was mumbling, I realized that if I thought everyone was mumbling, it meant that I was the problem.

I’m so grateful that I did not turn into the guy from this advice column. Full link: https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2024/09/24/asking-eric-husband-hearing-loss/

Full link: https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2024/09/24/asking-eric-husband-hearing-loss/

Gift link: https://wapo.st/3N4orKx

PSA, folks: if someone close to you says you should get tested for a thing, or that something about your health is affecting their life? Please believe them.

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The better part of valor

Something I’ve had to learn over the years of being on the Internet is that sometimes I am wrong, and need to take a seat and be introspective instead of explaining why I think the way I do.

This was surprisingly difficult to do. I think part of it is the desire to not have people dislike me; but both learning that that’s not something I can control, and starting to care less if they DO like me, makes me better at figuring out what I did wrong and being a better person in the future, which (counter intuitively?) makes me more likeable as a person.

We all fuck up on occasion. (Or, even, frequently.)

We all have the ability to say “Sorry, will do” when a mod tells us to step off or take a break.

I like to joke that I learned How To People by reading a book. But that’s not so far from the truth. Thinking about things and analyzing social situations is how I managed to get social skills in the first place.

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On maturity

A nice rule of thumb for your dating life: If Leonardo DiCaprio would still date you, you are too young to get married.

(And yes, plenty of people who wait until the magical age of 25 to marry still wind up divorced, and plenty of young marriages do last. But you improve your odds if you wait until your brain has matured a little bit more.)

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D&D is like relationships

An Internet friend is trying to run a D&D game in her town, but she’s found that one of her players has (what I consider to be) frankly absurd expectations for the game.

Stuff like “what do you mean, the dragon attacked me when I threw a rock at it?” Ma’am, you cannot run around just Pippin Tooking all over the place and expect there to not be consequences! You’re lucky that wasn’t a Balrog! Sorry, I mean legally distinct Balor.

Anyway. My friend was distraught and thought, maybe she did something wrong? Now. I know I’m only getting one side of the story here, and that naturally I’m going to side with my friend. But here’s the deal: It doesn’t actually MATTER if my friend is Right or Wrong. She’s allowed to run a game where she expects the players to more or less behave in reasonable ways, not deliberately screw things over for the other players, etc.

If you want to be a PC who acts in antisocial ways, then that’s a conversation you need to have with your DM ahead of time, ideally during Session Zero. And it’s a good idea for DMs to have an Expectations Document, where they lay out what type of game they expect to run.

For me, one of my general expectations is “no PVP” (player versus player). I find it very stressful to have to navigate between in-character conflict. So if someone else really enjoys PVP and wants to play that style of game, that’s okay – they just can’t do it at my table. It’s a compatibility issue. And maybe their desire for PVP will make it hard for them to find a group to game with. Or alternatively, maybe my desire for a PVP-free group will make it hard for me to find players.

But the most important thing to remember is that nobody is obligated to change their playing style to suit someone else’s wishes. Even if that person’s preferred style changes mid-game.

And relationships are the same way. If you want fundamentally different things – even if you changed your mind about what you wanted after being together for a long time – then it’s not just okay, it’s *positive*, to go your separate ways.

Even if that means you spend a while without a partner.