Tag: relationships

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It ain’t just a piece of paper

Reading this Reddit thread a little while back got me annoyed.

Someone in the comments (yes, I know, I know) was saying something like “is this (financial protections) really why people get married? What gold diggers!” Or whatever.

And my reaction? Yes, that’s why people get married! The entire point of legal marriage is, in fact, that “piece of paper” that gives you all the rights and privileges and protections and ability to file taxes jointly and whatever. That’s the only reason people get married and file a certificate with the state clerk.

The squishy emotional side of marriage doesn’t require a courthouse at all. You can go up to your favorite house of worship and have a ceremony there, without the legal side of this at all, whenever you want (and if you can convince the celebrant to let you renounce all the legal benefits; some won’t do that). You can have a party with all your friends and family that doesn’t involve the paper at all. Tons of folks do this if they elope and hold a reception later on, or whatever. The important emotional thing isn’t the legal paper; it’s the public promise in front of your friends and family.

The legal side of marriage? Is VERY important. And yes. It’s why people get married.

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Romantic Love is Conditional

Inspired by this Reddit post, I want to state a Short Opinion: Romantic Love is, and should be, conditional.

The only love that should be unconditional is that of a parent for their minor child.

In any other relationship – be it romantic, platonic, or otherwise – it is not only appropriate, but necessary, to place conditions on your love/your presence in that relationship.

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It is okay to not be compatible

One of my vices is that I love to read advice columns on the internet. I looooove the train wreck of watching other people implode.

But to expand on the Advice Column Paradox a little bit: I think that part of why I’m usually in the “maybe you should just break up” camp is because I view dating as a way to determine if you are compatible with the other person for the long term.

If you are not compatible: that’s completely okay! It’s okay to date someone for one, two, five, whatever years and then realize that you want completely different things out of life and relationships. Now, is it better to realize that earlier than later? Of course. But if you’ve realized a fundamental incompatibility in the relationship… You don’t “owe it to” the relationship to try to force it to work.

AND THEN you get things like this TikTok, where we have the algorithm trying to convince us that we are Better Off Alone (at home, engaging with a platform). For my part, no, I don’t think “he wants to meet in a public place” is a problem. I think it’s the greenest of green flags.

But overall? It’s okay to have dealbreakers. It’s okay to walk away from a relationship that’s not working. “The relationship” isn’t an entity that deserves consideration; fuck off with that Citizens United nonsense. The relationship isn’t a person. You, and your partner, are the people here. Your respective best interests are what need to be considered.

And even if I think your dealbreakers are dumb? Frankly, my opinion doesn’t matter. I’m not the one in the relationship here. You are. And only you can determine if you’re happy, if you’re secure, if you’re satisfied.

So get out there. Own your preferences. See what makes you tick. And as Gazelle says, try everything. 😉

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Best friends

I’ve had best friends before.

One, or six, or fourteen at a time?

At this stage in my life, I think the whole concept of a best friend is children play-acting at monogamous marriage before they’re ready or interested in a romantic relationship with anyone.

I still remember the agonizing feelings I had when someone else got to be The Best Friend when I wanted to be.

And I remember the guilt I felt when I drifted apart from my closest friend of childhood. Was I, somehow, divorcing her?

I’ve had “friend breakup” talks, as an adult. They were painful, but a necessary part of being compassionate to someone you once (and still) care(d) about.

One of my friends in college told me, “Best Friends isn’t a single job; it’s a tier.” I didn’t believe her then. I do now. (And her husband is the person I’d pick if I was forced to pick a single best friend, which is an amusing bonus anecdote.) For the most part, I don’t have a single best friend; I have a rotating cast of friends who are all close to me in different ways. One friend is my local emergency contact for everything. The other (aforementioned) is my advance directive POA. Yet another pair are the designated guardians for my child in case both my ex husband and I pass away.

A friend today shared a post about how “best friend” is a term that imitates monogamy, and it made me think about all this. (I don’t have the link handy, but I’ll add it when I do.) It’s been percolating in my mind for a while, but I haven’t really put it into words.

It’s not realistic to expect one person to be all those friends for you; different people are different, and every dyadic friendship has its own shape. They don’t take away from each other, except inasmuch as time and energy are limited things.

I am grateful, though, for all the friends that I do have, and for all the friends I used to have. You have all touched, shaped, my life in one way or another.

I’m glad that I don’t have to pick one friend to be a Best Friend.

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On parenting adult children, and estrangement

Recently, my browser decided to give me this article from Psychology Today.

Why your adult child treats you like dirt

It gives some really thoughtful suggestions for the parents who actually do want to reconnect with their children, and who are willing to be introspective and to think about what their behavior may have contributed to the current situation.

Continue reading “On parenting adult children, and estrangement”
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Friendships and Relationships

Years ago, I read this essay on the Atlantic about people who overtly prioritize their platonic friendships over their romantic partnerships.

I no longer have access to read it, but it was in my browser tabs, and I still think about it occasionally.

As a person who is intentionally solo (no cohabitant) at this stage of my life, I’m trying to mainly strengthen my friendships; even if some of those are also romantic or sexual, my overarching goal is to just build up my connections with the people who are in my life. And I don’t need to be fucking them, or living with them, to do that.

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Chaos Muppets and Order Muppets

I recently had the delight of discovering this dichotomy in humans: are you a Chaos Muppet or an Order Muppet, and are you yoked to someone like you or someone different from you?

I first heard of it in this Reddit post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/comments/zivdeq/does_your_partner_do_this_not_sure_what_to_call_it/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button



And here’s the original essay on Slate: https://slate.com/human-interest/2012/06/chaos-theory.html

My toxic trait (as the kids these days say) is that I’m a chaos Muppet who aspires to be an order Muppet. This can sometimes lead to tears.

Frog is an Order Muppet; Toad is a Chaos Muppet.

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The Relationship Escalator

In the reading I’ve done on non-monogamy, there’s a concept that I really like called the Relationship Escalator. I don’t have the link with me right at this moment (will add later – here is the original essay!), but the general gist is that in our society, we have this concept of RELATIONSHIP that goes from DATING to COHABITATION to ENGAGEMENT to MARRIAGE to BUY HOUSE to HAVE BABY, with only minor deviations or reordering permitted.

The idea of “stepping off the relationship escalator” means that you are allowed to opt out of any or all of these steps, without guilt or feeling like you are Doing The Relationship Incorrectly. For monogamous people, this can mean accepting that it’s fine to never get married, if that’s what you want! Or even never cohabitating – some people are just happier living alone. It can also even help with framing around asexual relationships: not every relationship needs to involve sex in order to be considered just as important and valid!

For non-monogamous people, more specifically polyamorous people (who are concerned with the construction of multiple loving relationships), stepping off the Relationship Escalator can mean establishing a different kind of relationship with different partners, according to the varied needs and desires of the people involved. Having the explicitly-outlined option of “we don’t HAVE to do all of those things in order to be in a loving relationship together” allows for a lot more flexibility in creating long term relationships.

I have a set of polyamorous friends where one married couple has been together for fewer years than the wife has been with her non-marital partner. Number of years together is not assumed to be an indication of the relationship’s Seriousness, or of any Expected Next Action To Be Taken. She has dated one person for longer, but she has married and had children with the other one, because those are the choices all of them made.

Carolyn Hax (one of my favorite advice columnists) calls it the Conveyor Belt: https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/advice/carolyn-hax-they-are-ready-on-paper-for-a-baby-but-what-about-the-real-thing/2021/03/23/a0e198b4-836a-11eb-9ca6-54e187ee4939_story.html – different word, but same concept.

I think this is a good framework for anyone who’s in (or wants to be in) a relationship to reflect on: what do you want, out of your relationship(s)? How much do you want one thing versus other things? What are you willing to compromise on?

Other people have called this concept the Relationship Smorgasbord (to avoid defining various choices as Above other choices). I’ll find that link, too, and add it here. It’s a good thing to talk about with potential partners, to think about what you want with someone else in general or in specific.

Bonus links:

https://solopoly.net/2012/11/29/riding-the-relationship-escalator-or-not/

https://www.washingtonpost.com/wellness/2024/09/27/relationship-escalator-marriage-polyamory/

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The Advice Column Paradox

I didn’t invent this term, but I think it’s a really excellent one, so I’m going to share it here. If you have an earlier citation for the use of this phrase, please leave it in the comments!

The Advice Column Paradox: nobody writes into an advice column when things are going well.

The Advice Column Paradox: nobody writes into an advice column when things are going well. When we vent to our friends about our marriages, but don’t share the positive things, they may think things are worse than they are; but sometimes, there just aren’t positive things. (It’s why I always took pains to say “There’s good stuff too, I just don’t need help processing THAT” whenever we had these discussions. I try to be self-aware at least a little bit.)

It is very common to see, on Internet advice boards like r/relationships or r/AmITheAsshole, people complaining in the commenters always jump straight to “omg, divorce!” But what those people miss, I think, is the core of this paradox. If you are writing in to an Internet advice column, it is because something has gone wrong. Something may have gone so very wrong that they are writing in to an anonymous forum to ask for help. There is a strong possibility that they feel ashamed or afraid to ask the other people in their lives for help. The people who say “Modern couples are too quick to divorce” are either not saying that in good faith, or are ignorant of the fact of the Paradox. I don’t have a snappy name for this one; maybe we can call it the “Why So Much Divorce Corollary” or something.

Ultimately, this paradox and the corollary of people being confused by it is an example of selection bias. “You Should Break Up” being given as relationship advice is not overly common, percentage-wise; if half the advice column responses are “Break up!” and 1 in 100 people are writing into an advice column in the first place, then only half a percent of relationships are getting the “you should break up” advice. If you scale that out into the real numbers, it’s even smaller.

So, no: Advice column readers are not “too hasty” to tell people to divorce. And our culture is not somehow “devaluing” marriage by telling someone who is locked out of a bathroom while pregnant, or worse, that they need to leave to protect themself.