Category: References

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Disentanglement

A few years back, I read this essay about “The Most Skipped Step” (when opening up a monogamous relationship).

The post itself is specifically about the context of Non-Monogamy or Polyamory. However, I find it useful even for monogamous contexts, because it’s very important for the members of a couple to retain their autonomy and identity as individuals, even when they are exclusively having sex and romantic relationships with each other and no one else.

Our society prioritizes and elevates sexual and romantic relationships above all else; but our platonic connections with our friends are also important, and can be just as (or more) important than our romantic/sexual ones. If you fall ill, your spouse is likely to be your primary caretaker; but caregiving is hard work, and should never fall on just one person. This is where The Village comes in. And having strong loving friendships is so important for that kind of resilience and endurance.

So, without further ado: the essay!

https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/the-most-skipped-step-when-opening-a-relationship-f1f67abbbd49

I have been informed that the author of this essay is Problematic. I do not know the details; I’m just noting this as a reminder that we should read everything with a critical eye and really try to analyze it, not absorb it uncritically. (I expect you all to read my posts critically as well.)

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Resource: Why Does He Do That?

I just wanted to bookmark this resource for the next time it comes up in my social circle:

https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

The book “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft is a classic resource for people in dysfunctional relationships to analyze the behaviors they are seeing. It may not apply to every relationship, but it’s something worth checking on when things seem “off.”

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Easy Budgets by Michelle Singletary

This column by Michelle Singletary really gets at the meat of how to make a simple budget. (It’s basically what I do.)

https://www.washingtonpost.com/business/2024/01/10/easy-budget-no-app/

  1. Write down all the money that’s coming in.
  2. Write down all the money that’s going out.
  3. Set limits on your spending.
  4. Do the math. (I use Excel/Google spreadsheets for this.)

This format might not work for everyone – I have friends who swear by You Need A Budget (YNAB), for example – but it works pretty well for me.

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I understood that reference!

It’s been a running gag, in almost every friend group I’ve had, that I have trouble with pop culture references. I didn’t have cable television growing up, and I was also pretty relentlessly counter-cultural as a child. As a result, I’m missing big gaps of pop culture references.

A common refrain at social gatherings (in person or online) is “oh, I haven’t seen that movie.” (We actually have a whole spreadsheet of “Movies Emily needs to watch.”) The same usually goes for pop music, many works of classic literature, etc.

Tonight, at board games, one person started humming a tune, and I recognized it and sang the whole chorus and one verse of the song (We Like To Party by the Vengaboys). My friend was a little bit taken aback by it, and I was like “Oh, yeah! The Vengaboys!” and he was like “Do you mean the theme from the Six Flags commercial?” and I said “What Six Flags commercial?”

So. Like I said. Weirdly gappy knowledge. 😁