Author: elenloth

I have SO MANY FEELINGS about this.

https://rojospinks.substack.com/p/the-friendship-problem

Thought 1

You know, I have better luck with friendships where it’s maintained via a group chat. That way, even if I am busy, other people still answer each other, and I can jump in to the conversation when I have the spoons.

Thought 2

And so people have easily 1000 virtual friends, but no one they can ask to feed their cat.

I HAVE BOTH AND IT’S MAGICAL.

Thought 3

“place-based friendships” – this sounds like Third Places but also, yeah, friendship is what happens when you Show Up.

Thought 4

People outside the constraints of modern western capitalism

Call a spade a spade. This is the knowledge economy. This (moving away from your support system) is how the knowledge economy WORKS. It’s not capitalism that’s the problem; it’s a world where you move to where the jobs are, rather than working whatever job and staying in your home town forever.

But, with remote work…maybe it doesn’t need to? IDK.

But the alternative is we all work at the one textile mill in town. Either you move to where the opportunities are, or you stick to the opportunities available in the town where you were born.

Would I still be happy, if I were a schoolteacher and attended the local Methodist Church every Sunday? Quite possibly. Or I could be clawing down the yellow wallpaper.

Thought 5

The best thing you can do to prepare yourself for climate change is live in an area with a high degree of social trust.

YES THIS OMG.

This is what I tell people who are like “I need to move to get away from climate change” – babe, you already live in the Piedmont, and the best prep is knowing and trusting your neighbors.

Thought 6

And this comment on the original post is what I am talking about when I get tetchy about Stardew Valley working out in real life:

Living now in a small farming town in New England after being a global nomad all my life, I realize that lots of Americans have had that stable interconnectedness of community that I never experienced in cities and suburbs. Town government, church, volunteer Fire & Rescue, annual festivals etc all require hours of interaction with fellow townsfolk. A barn fire or loose animal rallies neighbors’ help and covered dishes are brought to the sick or grieving. Problem is, not many people under 70 are carrying on any of this. The younger generations have moved out or do not participate. It took a few years but now I know that behind the Norman Rockwell scenes, a lot of these folks despise each other. They smooth things over and show up to the raffle or the funeral anyway because of a sense of duty and fear of social censure, sentiments lost in more individualistic, anonymous cities and suburbs. I admit to plunging in as a newcomer only to find that the busybodies who run everything want my labor, but have their own friend and family circles and are not open to outsiders for close friendships. They bonded long ago over babies and can’t understand my life. Conformity seems to be the entry fee for most communities, always a challenge for free thinkers. No tidy lesson I’m afraid, just another perspective on the struggle for connection in our atomized times. Thanks for your thought provoking piece!

“Conformity seems to be the entry fee for most communities.” Yws. Consider the etymological roots of those words: both “conformity” and “community” carry an original meaning/connotation of “togetherness.”

It’s important to allow for non-conformity in general; being able to express yourself is an important part of self-actualization. But bear in mind that that’s just the tip of Maslow’s pyramid; if you don’t have the base layers, nothing else will matter because you’ll be dead. This isn’t intended to excuse communities that exile people over stupid stuff; but I think it does, at least, explain the emphasis on conformity for a lot of communities.

Anyway. Go read the other post. It’s good.