This post contains spoilers for Harrow the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir.
Continue reading “A brief thought on names and Harrow the Ninth”It is okay to not be compatible
One of my vices is that I love to read advice columns on the internet. I looooove the train wreck of watching other people implode.
But to expand on the Advice Column Paradox a little bit: I think that part of why I’m usually in the “maybe you should just break up” camp is because I view dating as a way to determine if you are compatible with the other person for the long term.
If you are not compatible: that’s completely okay! It’s okay to date someone for one, two, five, whatever years and then realize that you want completely different things out of life and relationships. Now, is it better to realize that earlier than later? Of course. But if you’ve realized a fundamental incompatibility in the relationship… You don’t “owe it to” the relationship to try to force it to work.
AND THEN you get things like this TikTok, where we have the algorithm trying to convince us that we are Better Off Alone (at home, engaging with a platform). For my part, no, I don’t think “he wants to meet in a public place” is a problem. I think it’s the greenest of green flags.
But overall? It’s okay to have dealbreakers. It’s okay to walk away from a relationship that’s not working. “The relationship” isn’t an entity that deserves consideration; fuck off with that Citizens United nonsense. The relationship isn’t a person. You, and your partner, are the people here. Your respective best interests are what need to be considered.
And even if I think your dealbreakers are dumb? Frankly, my opinion doesn’t matter. I’m not the one in the relationship here. You are. And only you can determine if you’re happy, if you’re secure, if you’re satisfied.
So get out there. Own your preferences. See what makes you tick. And as Gazelle says, try everything. 😉
Protected: Grief
A very basic Difference in people: Shoes in House
One of the first “huh, this is a significant cultural difference” things I ever noticed was the idea of “Do you wear shoes in the house?” (With the connotations of “outdoor shoes” there. Some folks need to wear orthotics or other things for physical support while walking, but that’s separate from this question.)
I don’t exactly recall if I took my shoes off as a child. I’m pretty sure I did, if only because my bedroom had carpet, but I know my parents leave their shoes on (if they’re clean), so I don’t think I was raised to. It just made sense. (Also, my shoes were more likely to be muddy than theirs; they had specific work shoes for the yard and stuff in the basement, while I didn’t have a bunch of Old Shoes lying around because I grew out of them so fast.)
But as an adult who is now a No Shoes In House person, it’s been interesting navigating this with other people. I haven’t had any problems with “Would you be okay with taking off your shoes?”, I think because it’s polite and allows the wiggle room of the other person to say “oh, actually I need them for support.”
I think if I had a stronger disgust response to Shoes In House, I’d probably buy some disposable booties for folks to wear when they were over. But as it stands I’m okay with people in the living room with shoes on, and I just vacuum up the dirt when they leave.
But all this idea has now got me wondering if there are other cultural differences that I’m just not aware of. Like, I saw a TikTok once that was like “I don’t wear outside pants on the bed.” And my first reaction was, oh, that’s ridiculous. But if I’ve been someplace with a lot of strangers, like traveling or something, yeah I’ll take my pants off (and sometimes put on others) before I sit down on the bed. (Or I’ll pull up the quilt so the cooties don’t go where I’m sleeping.)
So yeah. What other imperceptible cleanliness rituals do I have that I’m just not conscious of?
Names are hard
I was chatting with a friend about the air haze, and he mentioned wanting to build one of those homemade air filters out of box fans and filters.
But he couldn’t remember the name (Corsi-Rosenthal box), so he hazarded “Rimsky-Korsakov box?”
This reminded me so much of the Benedict Cumberbatch Problem that I had to share it.
I understood that reference!
It’s been a running gag, in almost every friend group I’ve had, that I have trouble with pop culture references. I didn’t have cable television growing up, and I was also pretty relentlessly counter-cultural as a child. As a result, I’m missing big gaps of pop culture references.
A common refrain at social gatherings (in person or online) is “oh, I haven’t seen that movie.” (We actually have a whole spreadsheet of “Movies Emily needs to watch.”) The same usually goes for pop music, many works of classic literature, etc.
Tonight, at board games, one person started humming a tune, and I recognized it and sang the whole chorus and one verse of the song (We Like To Party by the Vengaboys). My friend was a little bit taken aback by it, and I was like “Oh, yeah! The Vengaboys!” and he was like “Do you mean the theme from the Six Flags commercial?” and I said “What Six Flags commercial?”
So. Like I said. Weirdly gappy knowledge. 😁
There are only three stories…
There are only three stories: a stranger comes to town, someone goes on a journey, and Godzilla vs King Kong.
Leo Tolstoy, per the Internet
In my life right now, there are only three video games: Pokemon, Animal Crossing, and Zelda.
And I just got the Dream Home in the latter, so for a while now there are only two stories. Time to SELL ALL MY GEMS AND FURNISH THIS HOUSE BAYBEEEE
Spoon Theory
One of the things I’ve read that really changed my way of thinking about the world was the essay commonly known as Spoon Theory. I spent basically my entire youth as a completely able-bodied person, and while I had theoretical compassion for people with disabilities, I had no gut level understanding of what it was like to live with a disability. Reading this essay in college (or possibly shortly thereafter? I can’t recall exactly when it was) helped me understand why so many people couldn’t “just” do something or other.
Understanding disability is just one step along the road to understanding the whole system of intersectionality and how everybody’s lives are (or can be) different from one’s own. Not every essay will resonate with every person, and that’s okay. I hope this one helps you understand it a little bit better.
As I find them along the way, I’ll try to add links to this post to other versions of Spoon Theory that I’ve read, written by people who found the original metaphor to be limiting or inaccurate. One such alternative metaphor is a D&D one that uses “Spell Slots” as the day-limited resource that a disabled person must shepherd.
And that reminds me that some people with chronic illness refer to themselves/each other with the affectionate term “spoonie.” Now I’m wondering if a goofy bard with a chronic illness would refer to themself as a Spoony Spoonie.
I like it!
This column is a great defense of having your own sense of taste or style or whatever.
As a side note, I would like to observe that the author’s use of “basic” doesn’t line up exactly with the usage that implies “middle to upper class white woman with UGGs and a cup of Starbucks.” Here, the given examples are a little lower class than that.
Which is NORMAL. Living like that is NORMAL. This is how most people live their lives.
Explorer vs Exploiter
A few years ago, I remember reading an essay about a personality dichotomy that the author called Explorer/Exploiter.
The idea is that most people fall into one of these two categories (though of course humans are complex, and it’s never just that simple).
An Explorer is someone who tries new things to see if they like them. Trying new things makes them feel excited and good.
An Exploiter is someone who finds the thing they like, then sticks with it.
You might see this, for example, with restaurants. I often find myself going back to my old standbys, rather than trying new places, because I know what’s good at the places I already like.
But I’m trying, lately, to get out and try new things. There’s nothing wrong with having favorites! But I don’t want to miss something else that I might like even more, too.
A similar concept came up in a Carolyn Hax column at some point: a person wrote in and referred to “If you’re not growing, you’re dying.” And I take STRONG issue with that framing. In my mind, if you don’t stop growing, you’re a cancer.
There’s nothing wrong with healthy growth. But growth does not need to be constant and unending, either. It’s okay to have dormant periods. It’s okay to just do things you like, because you’re good at them. (I also have this soapbox about jobs. I hate the idea that it’s “stagnation” just because you’re in the same position for a little while.)
