Category: How To People

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How to Human: Conversation and taking turns

The CA Reddit forum reposted this one from 2019:

#1168 and #1169: Friendship, Conversation, and TAKING TURNS

Learning how to take turns in conversation was one of the really important things for me, growing up. I don’t think anyone explicitly taught it to me, but especially after I got over my childhood “just never talk to strangers, ever” dealie, it helped to realize that other people like to talk about themselves, too! Even if you yourself don’t care about the other person (like if they’re a store clerk or whatever) it’s still a kind and pro-social thing to ask them about themselves.

But not to excess. And not everyone appreciates it.

But it’s as good a starting place as any. Refine your technique from there.

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Time types

Several years ago, a friend introduced me to the concept of “Social Time vs Normative Time.”

“Normative Time” is the idea that things happen at certain times: dinner is at 6, the meetup officially starts at 5, things like that. It’s generally considered to be the default time system in America.

“Social Time” is something that I’ve more often seen in the context of specific places: Moroccan Time, Island Time, Greek Time. Time is more fluid; you get there when you get there; you don’t stress if you’re late or your friend is late.

I, myself, am a Normative Time person who is very bad at it.

Today I was reminded of the Captain Awkward column on Perpetual Time Optimism because Reddit shared it with me. It gets a bit spicy in there (in both).

In general, in my life, I try to strike a balance between both types of time. I’m sympathetic to the time blind people; I’m often late to things, and it takes me a LOT of effort to do all the things to get to something early, especially if it’s already early in the morning. But I also want to be able to do things like “see a movie” and “eat at a restaurant” and so forth! So in general I try not to invite the very time blind person to things where “being late” would put a cramp in someone ELSE’S day.

Previously on this subject

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Making plans when your friends are anxious

I just saw a life tip on Reddit that I thought I’d share here!

When you’re confirming plans with someone, don’t say “Are we still on for tomorrow?” This can sometimes send them into a spiral thinking that you would actually rather they cancel.

Instead, say “I’m looking forward to seeing you tomorrow!” This lets them know that you aren’t secretly hoping they’ll cancel.

Is this a bit silly? Yes. But brains are dumb; and cell phones have made it so easy to flake out on plans that I think it’s worth changing our speaking structure to account for it.

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How do you know what you want?

One of my friends recently wrote on Facebook “how do you know what you want?” and I ended up writing a fairly long response. Posting it here, too.

You know, one of my friends just asked me this too, and I don’t know the answer for sure.

I think part of it was after a young lifetime of being a perfectionist and also a people-pleaser, I had to get good at satisficing or I was going to burn out. Going to progressively more difficult environments (high school to college to a job) meant that I was surrounded by an increasing concentration of people smarter than me, and that was something my ego had to adjust to. But learning that I actually *wasn’t* always the smartest person in the room also freed me from having to always Be The Very Best. I could just be Good Enough, and that was okay too.

So I was able to apply that to my own decisions as well. Is this thing the Absolute Best Option I Could Possibly Choose? Well, maybe, maybe not. But the marginal benefit of obsessing over Relentless Optimization is so stressful to me that I had to Just Pick Something.

And now that I think more about this: I think I cut my teeth on this skill with choosing restaurants with friends as a young adult. I get hangry when I don’t eat (it doesn’t seem to be a disorder, I just have/had a fast metabolism), so when people started dithering about where to go, it meant that I was risking a fainting+nausea spell. So I started doing Executive Decision Making for the whole group, and for the most part it turned out fine. Some people don’t like me telling them what to do, but Oh Well Their Loss.

Like a lot of skills, practicing in small ways helps build up the muscle (literal or metaphorical) for bigger tasks.

Anyway, IDK if this is what you were asking about, but I hope it helps! ❤

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Other people’s thoughts

I think this is a really good explanation of why it’s important to not assume what other people are thinking.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DL9yBL_NJzc/

I used to have a friend who would get SO CONVINCED that other people hated her, based on various indicators. As an outsider to her interactions, my perspective would generally range from “hmm, I don’t think they actually thought anything about you at all” to “I think they were actually sympathetic” to “they’re just in a bad mood, but that doesn’t mean they hate you.”

It’s much better and less exhausting to not assume everyone hates you.

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A difference: basic social interaction

Today I saw this Instagram video and the comment section just made my head explode.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DJTXEX7OsMq/

Person A: Oh, I love your tattoos!

Person B: Uhhhh, okay?

Person A: …Actually, they’re UGLY!

So, obviously, I would never go straight to that third line there. But I believe very strongly that Person B’s response is rude, and not in line with appropriate social behavior in public.

We are all humans together in this world. As the meme goes, we live in a society. And like the concept of small talk, small interactions like this are the grease in the gears that helps make everything better and more smooth.

Carolyn Hax recently called the opposite behavior (like saying “uhh, okay” to a compliment) “a lye bath in the gears” (because it strips out the grease, and I think that’s an apt description.

Of course you don’t “owe” anyone anything. Technically, no one owes anyone anything ever unless explicitly agreed to. But I, for one, do not want to live in that shitty Ayn Rand-esque universe of Emotional Libertarianism. I want there to be a baseline level of connection and communication with my fellow humans, out there in society.

So. For your “how to human” script, here is how a good interaction goes:

Person A: Hey, I really like your tattoos/hair/T-shirt! (Nothing about their body shape or body parts. Hair does not count as a body part.)

Person B: Thank you!

That’s it. That’s the script. After this interaction, they both go on about their day. It is not appropriate, as strangers, to try to force a more intimate interaction; but this much is fine and appropriate.

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Chivalry



Today I had a small epiphany: throughout the course of my life, I have had men and boys tell me that they wished chivalry was still around, so that they would know how to talk to women and girls/structure their interactions appropriately.

…Those guys were probably just on the autism spectrum.

Gonna chew on that for a little bit.

Anyway, a bonus How To People that I observed in a conversation today: if you are talking with someone (perhaps while walking towards the parking lot together) and the conversation dies down, it is okay to say “Well, good chatting with you, talk to you later!” and just wander off/speed up your pace/slow down. This is an accepted script for How To End A Conversation.

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Scheduling

This week I saw a good take on scheduling for D&D.

https://www.polygon.com/tabletop-games/543536/dnd-dungeons-dragons-scheduling-handbook-patch

The Scheduling page the author suggests you print out

After I shared it, someone else sent me this Hank Green video about combinatorics, which explains the issue really well.

Ultimately, I think that people have trouble with D&D scheduling in part because of two of the Geek Social Fallacies: #5, “Friends Do Everything Together” and #1,  “Ostracizers Are Evil.”

But you don’t have to do everything together. Like I talk about in Nuclear Event Planning, it is okay to prioritize “I want to host this event” over “I want these specific people there.” (It’s also okay to do the reverse, but then you have to accept the high likelihood that “hosting the event” won’t happen.)