Category: How To People

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Scheduling

This week I saw a good take on scheduling for D&D.

https://www.polygon.com/tabletop-games/543536/dnd-dungeons-dragons-scheduling-handbook-patch

The Scheduling page the author suggests you print out

After I shared it, someone else sent me this Hank Green video about combinatorics, which explains the issue really well.

Ultimately, I think that people have trouble with D&D scheduling in part because of two of the Geek Social Fallacies: #5, “Friends Do Everything Together” and #1,  “Ostracizers Are Evil.”

But you don’t have to do everything together. Like I talk about in Nuclear Event Planning, it is okay to prioritize “I want to host this event” over “I want these specific people there.” (It’s also okay to do the reverse, but then you have to accept the high likelihood that “hosting the event” won’t happen.)

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Geek Social Fallacies Again

I’ve been thinking about the Geek Social Fallacies again, and about Ostracizers Are Evil (fallacy #1).

This Reddit post summarizes it pretty well.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AbuseInterrupted/s/syogLYSwkV

It’s not wrong or evil or Just As Bad As The Bullies to ask someone to leave when they are being obnoxious.

People can, and do, learn and change and grow. But they’ve gotta DO those things.

And neurodivergence isn’t really an excuse; sometimes it’s barely even an explanation. Like they say about trauma: trauma isn’t your fault, but healing is your responsibility .

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Ask Culture vs Microaggressions

A contrast crystallized for me today: One place where Ask Culture falls apart is in the concept of Microaggressions. There are, in fact, times when it is not generally okay to Just Ask, They Can Always Say No.

I feel like documenting microaggressions is a whole separate post that I’m not really qualified to summarize right here; but the go-to example of a microaggression is asking a Black person (out of nowhere) if you can touch their hair. Do not do this thing. It is not an okay thing to ask, even under an Ask Culture mindset.

It can be hard to know where the invisible lines are. But this one is pretty easy! But it might not be easy for everyone; hence the post.

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Disentanglement

A few years back, I read this essay about “The Most Skipped Step” (when opening up a monogamous relationship).

The post itself is specifically about the context of Non-Monogamy or Polyamory. However, I find it useful even for monogamous contexts, because it’s very important for the members of a couple to retain their autonomy and identity as individuals, even when they are exclusively having sex and romantic relationships with each other and no one else.

Our society prioritizes and elevates sexual and romantic relationships above all else; but our platonic connections with our friends are also important, and can be just as (or more) important than our romantic/sexual ones. If you fall ill, your spouse is likely to be your primary caretaker; but caregiving is hard work, and should never fall on just one person. This is where The Village comes in. And having strong loving friendships is so important for that kind of resilience and endurance.

So, without further ado: the essay!

https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/the-most-skipped-step-when-opening-a-relationship-f1f67abbbd49

I have been informed that the author of this essay is Problematic. I do not know the details; I’m just noting this as a reminder that we should read everything with a critical eye and really try to analyze it, not absorb it uncritically. (I expect you all to read my posts critically as well.)

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Today in Learning How To People: Cheese

I was invited to board games tonight, and asked if I could bring anything. The host says “I usually have some hard cheeses out for people!”

Being a Very Neurotypical Person who is Very Good At Reading The Room, I interpreted this to mean “Please bring some cheese.”

Mmmm nope! In this case, it meant “We already have cheese, so go ahead and bring something that you, Dairy Allergy Person, can eat.” Doh!

Anyway, that’s why I usually always get clarification/specify what people are saying/asking. It’s not safe to assume! 😂 🧀

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Everybody wants a village, but nobody wants to put in the work

I think this is going to be a macro post, where I come back and add things as they occur to me.

This Slate column

My friend recently linked me to this, and man I got nothing. Just read it.

https://slate.com/life/2024/11/parenting-advice-friends-loneliness-village.html

These comics

I just got a Bluesky account and already the algorithm knows me.

https://bsky.app/profile/pervis.bsky.social/post/3lbqarh4u7k2p

https://bsky.app/profile/spookyforcefrancis.bsky.social/post/3lbshvyhf422b

Some thoughts

If you want people to show up for you, you have to show up for them. Modulo disability, being physically present really really matters. I can’t help my friend move but I helped her pack and purge and can store some of her stuff. I’ve babysat for friends without pay, including overnights, because that’s what friends do when they’re able. And when I was very sick last year, my people showed up for me.

I tolerate a lot of things in my life. I recognize that we can’t always build a village out of picture perfect people that we’ve cultivated like Sims, just like that columnist says. I’ve always been afraid to get close to my neighbors, because what if they’re awful? I’m stuck with them. But: maybe if we get close, they won’t be awful. Or maybe they were never awful to begin with.

For now: I’m just grateful for the friends I do have. Thank you for being with me.

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A wise post about circuit breakers and grief overload

Today, my friend sent me this essay from 2021, and it resonates with me today.

https://thecorners.substack.com/p/if-you-cant-take-in-anymore-theres

Please care for your own hearts. Let the breaker do its job. Don’t wire it shut to force yourself to care about and try to fix every problem you encounter.

Do less.

Don’t do nothing. But you are allowed to do less.

Meme image from Reddit: a circuit breaker wired shut/on.