Author: elenloth

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It ain’t just a piece of paper

Reading this Reddit thread a little while back got me annoyed.

Someone in the comments (yes, I know, I know) was saying something like “is this (financial protections) really why people get married? What gold diggers!” Or whatever.

And my reaction? Yes, that’s why people get married! The entire point of legal marriage is, in fact, that “piece of paper” that gives you all the rights and privileges and protections and ability to file taxes jointly and whatever. That’s the only reason people get married and file a certificate with the state clerk.

The squishy emotional side of marriage doesn’t require a courthouse at all. You can go up to your favorite house of worship and have a ceremony there, without the legal side of this at all, whenever you want (and if you can convince the celebrant to let you renounce all the legal benefits; some won’t do that). You can have a party with all your friends and family that doesn’t involve the paper at all. Tons of folks do this if they elope and hold a reception later on, or whatever. The important emotional thing isn’t the legal paper; it’s the public promise in front of your friends and family.

The legal side of marriage? Is VERY important. And yes. It’s why people get married.

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Written Reviews

Is There a Future for Written Reviews?

My response to the above post follows.

I’m a fan of written reviews personally, in part because I am hard of hearing (and don’t process audio data well), and in part because they are just easier to absorb. Like other commenters said, with a written review you can scan the page to find something you’re looking for (using visual clues to aid in your scanning). It’s impossible to do that with audio or video unless those mediums are exhaustively annotated with – you guessed it – writing.

I do enjoy video things from time to time; I love Playing Around Games on TikTok, for example. (double check that name? did i remember it right?) But even a personable and pleasant video host like that still falls prey to the fact that I can only really pay attention, and absorb the audio, if I am in the right headspace to sit down and really exercise my brain towards listening to people talk. (And even then I prefer videos with captions!)

Video, as a medium, really shines when it comes to things like tutorials for playing a game. My gaming group will often watch a how-to video together before we play, just to see all the pieces and how they move/fit together/whatever. But if I’m reading a review/hearing someone talk *about* the game? Written, with optional photos of the game board, please.

Thank you for reading this far!

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Romantic Love is Conditional

Inspired by this Reddit post, I want to state a Short Opinion: Romantic Love is, and should be, conditional.

The only love that should be unconditional is that of a parent for their minor child.

In any other relationship – be it romantic, platonic, or otherwise – it is not only appropriate, but necessary, to place conditions on your love/your presence in that relationship.

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I Want A Wife

Not me. I don’t want to remarry! But the title of this post is from a famous essay from back in the 70s about how much domestic and emotional labor the role of “wife” provides, and how even after women* entered the workforce en masse in the 70s, all of that labor still had to be performed by…the wife half of any heterosexual couple.

I Want a Wife

TikTokker Laura Danger reads the text

Labour, by Paris Paloma:

Labour

Previously, on Emotional Labor

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Negative amortization should be illegal

That’s it, that’s the post. Negative amortization should be illegal.

If an account is in a position (like with student loan deferments or forbearance or what have you) where someone needs to make a lowered payment, and is approved for that lowered payment, then the interest accrual should be paused for that period.

I wonder if any bills are being proposed that do this?

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It is okay to not be compatible

One of my vices is that I love to read advice columns on the internet. I looooove the train wreck of watching other people implode.

But to expand on the Advice Column Paradox a little bit: I think that part of why I’m usually in the “maybe you should just break up” camp is because I view dating as a way to determine if you are compatible with the other person for the long term.

If you are not compatible: that’s completely okay! It’s okay to date someone for one, two, five, whatever years and then realize that you want completely different things out of life and relationships. Now, is it better to realize that earlier than later? Of course. But if you’ve realized a fundamental incompatibility in the relationship… You don’t “owe it to” the relationship to try to force it to work.

AND THEN you get things like this TikTok, where we have the algorithm trying to convince us that we are Better Off Alone (at home, engaging with a platform). For my part, no, I don’t think “he wants to meet in a public place” is a problem. I think it’s the greenest of green flags.

But overall? It’s okay to have dealbreakers. It’s okay to walk away from a relationship that’s not working. “The relationship” isn’t an entity that deserves consideration; fuck off with that Citizens United nonsense. The relationship isn’t a person. You, and your partner, are the people here. Your respective best interests are what need to be considered.

And even if I think your dealbreakers are dumb? Frankly, my opinion doesn’t matter. I’m not the one in the relationship here. You are. And only you can determine if you’re happy, if you’re secure, if you’re satisfied.

So get out there. Own your preferences. See what makes you tick. And as Gazelle says, try everything. 😉

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A very basic Difference in people: Shoes in House

One of the first “huh, this is a significant cultural difference” things I ever noticed was the idea of “Do you wear shoes in the house?” (With the connotations of “outdoor shoes” there. Some folks need to wear orthotics or other things for physical support while walking, but that’s separate from this question.)

I don’t exactly recall if I took my shoes off as a child. I’m pretty sure I did, if only because my bedroom had carpet, but I know my parents leave their shoes on (if they’re clean), so I don’t think I was raised to. It just made sense. (Also, my shoes were more likely to be muddy than theirs; they had specific work shoes for the yard and stuff in the basement, while I didn’t have a bunch of Old Shoes lying around because I grew out of them so fast.)

But as an adult who is now a No Shoes In House person, it’s been interesting navigating this with other people. I haven’t had any problems with “Would you be okay with taking off your shoes?”, I think because it’s polite and allows the wiggle room of the other person to say “oh, actually I need them for support.”

I think if I had a stronger disgust response to Shoes In House, I’d probably buy some disposable booties for folks to wear when they were over. But as it stands I’m okay with people in the living room with shoes on, and I just vacuum up the dirt when they leave.

But all this idea has now got me wondering if there are other cultural differences that I’m just not aware of. Like, I saw a TikTok once that was like “I don’t wear outside pants on the bed.” And my first reaction was, oh, that’s ridiculous. But if I’ve been someplace with a lot of strangers, like traveling or something, yeah I’ll take my pants off (and sometimes put on others) before I sit down on the bed. (Or I’ll pull up the quilt so the cooties don’t go where I’m sleeping.)

So yeah. What other imperceptible cleanliness rituals do I have that I’m just not conscious of?